Drowning in my own world

I'm currently sitting on my bed in the dark
typing on my lappy.

I know.
it sounds very much emo.
but whatever.

I've been experiencing some weird stuff lately.
things that I was always hoping for it to happen
yet now when it's time to decide,
it feels like I wish this time would never come.

2 ways to go from here now,
maybe i can prolong the time before the decision time is up.
yet, I will still have to choose ultimately.

do I really have to burn the bridge?
so that I will have no way of turning back to you?
you know I would stay if I could.
I would walk with you till the end if life enables me

but life has brought me something bigger.
something that I cannot miss.

sometimes, I cannot bear to see you for another seconds
yet other times, I wouldn't let go of your hands.
I wish my heart will stop its contradiction with my thoughts.

I have other places to go.
yet because we're here tgt,
I can't turn my back on you.
becos that feeling of missing you everyday,
of not being able to hear your voice
and knowing you're still here behind.
still to tied a knot around my heart
refuses to let me go.

I miss the old me again.
yet I have changed to someone else whom I bearly recognised.
someone else so that I could fit perfectly for you.

so that you will be happy with me
but I really don't know if this is me anymore.

I'm not the kind who says goodbyes

so would you please be the first to count to 3
and turn away?
never looking back again?